Well, this will shock all of literally nobody but guess what? I'm PREGNANT. With child. Knocked up. Up the duff. Here's Nutlet Gaskell (name is a work in progress) three weeks ago, when s/he was 11 weeks old.
Unfortunately this is only a photo of the scan print out, as they use a weird plasticky substance which apparently melts under heat and light (clearly they too saw my pale demeanor and thought, like many before them, "vampire"). Since baby scans make literally no sense to anyone except the prospective parents I will, for those still bothered enough to read, offer a brief description. Nutlet's head is the blob on the left; her (let's go with her, for why must foetuses always be male) body is the blob in the middle and the surrounding smaller blobs are arms and legs.
Now, I've thought long and hard about using my blog for this. For a start, should I be posting on helenpurves.com when I'm now Mrs Helen Gaskell in my personal life (handy work-life balance, and children no longer laugh at my name)? Won't my usual fairly cynical audience get really annoyed with vacuous baby news? Worst of all, shouldn't blogs mentioning babies be designed in pastel colours, with cutesy stalk designs and bows and loads of Comic Sans-esque fonts? Don't I need a lobotomy for this?
However, it does occur to me that there are several things going for re-invigorating this blog (NOT in pastels) and posting baby stuff on it. Three things, at least, and probably more.
Firstly, when I posted about my epilepsy people seemed to find it quite interesting, and not necessarily in a freak show sort of way. Ditto with weight loss. Hopefully readers of this blog will find they don't necessarily have had to also have experienced what I'm going through in order to be bothered reading it. Hopefully I can avoid tackling the kind of minutiae that I loathe when I read (or mostly, don't read) proper baby blogs.
Secondly, I can't find a blog about what it's like to be fat and pregnant, or epileptic and pregnant, ANYWHERE. I really have been looking but no, nothing - and I *know* there's more of us out there.
Thirdly and, I think, most importantly - my brain hasn't turned into the disgusting sloppy mush I expected it would. I really thought that was a large risk, and I'll detail why in my next post - but in short, I had reasons to believe that on the moment of conception I would turn into some kind of moronic, brain dead Jeremy Kyle-watching waste of humanity who cared only for what is frankly a parasite feeding from my blood and bones and for nothing - NOTHING - else.
Anyway, ta da: I'm pregnant. Of course most of my readership already knows this, as prolific as I am on Twitter and Facebook - but now anyone who cares to know, knows. Before I sign off, let me leave you with the same kind of thoughts I have plaguing my mind, and which perhaps I might tackle in more detail down the line...
- Is my career dead now?
- No really, is it dead?
- I mean seriously that's probably it, right?
- Am I going to be as crazy as my own mother will be?
- What if my baby has tentacles?
- What if she ends up being... ::shudder:: sporty?
- Will I have an epileptic seizure while I'm popping it out?
- On that note, how many more damn times is a neurologist going to remark upon how "amazing" my "incredible story" is?
- Will any of the many medical studies I'm now in pay out actual cash?
- Why don't people like me describing myself as knocked up?
- Seriously though, my career... over?