Helen Purves All you need to know about Helen Purves. And, indeed, much more.

23May/131

The 4th Floor Pet Hamster Lobby

At work, we don't have any pets. We're not all trendy, and we're not based in Shoreditch, so no pets. However, my team doesn't just mindlessly run with the herd: we like to strive, almost constantly, for something better. Luckily, there are comments boxes in stationery hubs - as a result of much pressure from certain dedicated, forward-thinking and rather good looking elements within our department. So we set to work...
Please can we have a departmental pet? Preferably a hamster, although our second choice is a fish. It would be super-cute, and also the constant squeaking as it mindlessly trudges on its wheel all day would be a fitting metaphor for how we feel about our daily work. Thanks, The 4th Floor Pet Hamster Lobby.  P.S. Can we call it Mr Squeaky, please.

However, I'm afraid to say my department contains some extremely dastardly individuals...

Down with hamsters! We politely request a departmental pet, but hamsters are not acceptable. They bite, sulk and spontaneously die and this reflects poorly on the department as a whole. We request a house-rabbit, or a small dog named Winona. These will be trustworthy to roam around the floor, because they will be too short to reach the lift buttons. Thanks, The Pet Lobby of the 4th Floor

Don't worry though, we managed to get the last word.

We have got wind of a message to you from an organisation calling themselves "The Pet Lobby of the 4th Floor." Please disregard this. Hamsters are clearly a better option than rabbits or dogs as they are self-contained, quiet and require less attention from a vetinary practitioner. Furthermore, if our hamster Mr Squeaky "spontaneously" dies we shall know who to point the finger at. Yours, The 4th Floor Pet Hamster Lobby

It didn't end all that well though, despite everything.  Today we got an all-department email: no pet hamsters.  Oh well.  I have two cats at home anyway.

   
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